David Letterman Puts Spencer On Blast...

... and therefore is my new favorite person. Spencer is such a miserable tool that I find it hard to watch him. If you can stomach it, I recommend watching this whole video. It's worth it for the sheer douche-baggery that you will witness.

Spencer is the kind of faux-lebrity that sits home and Googles himself. In fact, he's probably reading this because he has a Google alert set up for his name. Well, SPENCER PRATT YOUR LEVEL OF FUCKERY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE STICKING NEEDLES INTO MY EYES.

xoxo

Nicole

Heidi Montag Looks Deformed Without Makeup On.

That chin is CRAZY. She looks like a Bogdanov Brother with her wierd malformed chin. Horsey, put some makeup on and let that hair down. You need to detract from the chin.

xoxo

Nicole

Heidi Has a Mother?

I was pretty sure she was hatched from an ostrich egg, or maybe birthed by a Clydesdale.

If I was her mother, I would have bitch-slapped her into next week for dragging me into a photo-op on Mother's Day. As my mom always said "If I brought you into this world, I can take you out". My mother would also never let me date a total asinine loser like Spencer. This probably isn't even her mother, it's probably an actress.

Check out Spencer's face. This is her (typo, but I'm keeping it) surprise face. He practices it in the mirror.

xoxo

Nicole

PHOTO: TMZ

Are You Kidding Me.

Like my week hasn't been horrible enough already. Now I have to scrub vomit out of my carpet because I couldn't control myself upon viewing this.

So, to add to the disastrous trifecta of completely totaled car, no job prospects and failing self-esteem we have Heidi and Spencie being all patriotic-ish in front of the Washington Monument. Like these two even know what that is.

Gross. In case you're wondering, these two are Republicans. I won't say another word.

xoxo

Nicole

Photo: Dlisted