Pamela Anderson Is So Classy And Fresh-Faced.

Here's Pammy looking like the classy version of your favorite local Denny's waitress at a recent event in Las Vegas.

I mean, wow. When I dream of beauty, this is the vision that comes to me.

xoxo
Nicole

Olympic Opening Ceremony Oufit Recap

DISCLAIMER. I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT SOME/MOST OF THESE OUTFITS ARE TRADITIONAL DRESS. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE SOME TEASING, DON'T READ ON. IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN.

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So, Where the hell is the Marshall Islands? I respect the nod to island life that is achieved by wearing straw around the neck.

Turkmenistan? Nice puke green outfits. Seriously.

I thought Malawi would have had Madonna holding David Banda as their flag bearer, it would have been more entertaining than their outfits.

Nice unibrow on the Greek guys. wax bitches.

Ecuador...sweet tracksuits. Also, I love that there were clearly some gays in the crowd of athletes.

Eritrea...what?

The Jamaicans looked cute... pretty hair and makeup Mon.

The Israelis were def cute, classic and appropriate. Very Ralph

Omg Gambia - bedsheets?

Sweet taffeta headdresses Benin!

OH SWEET GOD DENMARK. JEAN SHORTS?!?!?!? MAO WOULD NOT APPROVE.

Very Eastern Bloc of you Ukraine. Yellow socks and loafers.

I cannot stop staring at the neckerchiefs on the Bahamians.

The Pakistani athletes look like unhappy office workers.

I fear the Cuban athletes. Very severe grey, never flattering on any skin tones.

Rwanda - sweet zebra sheath. I want to borrow that in a size ten.

CAN THE ASIAN WOMEN PLEASE STOP CHEER LEADING - slow down or you will shimmy the water bottle holster straight off your hip.

Interesting silk skirt black pant combo Indonesia.

LITHUANIA! GRASSHOPPER INFESTATION!!! WHITE CLAM DIGGERS AND BRIGHT GREEN POLOS!

Nicaragua - Didn't know there was a DEB in your homeland. Nice tracksuits.

Canaydia - The fag with the flag is really excited. Did ROOTS go out of business? Not a nice gradient pattern. It's a bad look.

I bet Spain dyed their suits with Saffron.

Liechtenstein - Your flag bearer looks like John Mark Carr. Hide the Children.

BUSH IS SOOOO OVER THIS. HE WANTS TO GO HOME AND HAVE LAURA SPOON FEED HIM MOTTS APPLESAUCE WHILE HE PLAYS WORLD OF WARCRAFT.

Iran is a total sausage fest.

Hungary! What the hell! Are those knockoff Marimeko?

So, is Andora another planet? Are those spacesuits?

I can't take the Finnish dresses. Someone hold me up. Big shot put ladies in print?

The Croatian flag bearer just made an inappropriate tongue motion to the Asian cheer leaders.

DOES LAURA BUSH EVER MAKE A DIFFERENT FACIAL EXPRESSION?!?! *INSERT BLANK STARE*.

AZERBAIJAN- what.

Namibia has white men on the team? How does that happen.

In case you didn't know, the Latvians are all also hospital workers. Hence the outfits.

Great Britain has a fourteen year old child diver. He is just hitting puberty, so don't hate if he pops a boner before the high dive.

The Polish women are going to a ball after this. Just FYI.

OMG KAZAKHSTAN... WHAT IS GOING ON THERE...not right.

Bulgaria has some very tall women.

Syria stole some of Cuba's leftover outfits.

Hmm... We look good. Not terribly flashy, but classic. Designed by Ralph. Like the hats. You can tell who the volleyball girls are... blonde, screaming in the camera like they are on South Padre Spring Break. Definitely smoked a blunt behind the birds nest. Jesus Carmelo, get your braids redone for the damn Olympics.

Ok. I can't watch anymore. I'm exhausted.

Team USA forevs.

xoxo
Nicole

Hi, My Name Is Solange and I Wear Dollar Store Hair.

View the picture on the far left. Enough said. I think one of my Barbies had this same hairstyle after I put Dep in it and cut it with my mother's herb scissors.

xoxo
Nicole

PHOTO: Crunk and Disorderly.

So Many Things Are Wrong With This Picture

First, I HATE Elizabeth Hassleback or Hairycrack or whatever her name is. I don't watch her old bag TV show The View, and I hate her annoying face.

Second, her children look like prostitots. The older one looks like a mini wonk, and the young one is about ten years away from being the gold digging child bride of some old billionare.

Third, that is the creepiest pony ever. I NEVER want to see a My Little Pony that large in person. I'd shit my pants. I never played with them. I was too afraid. Their eyes follow you around the room. *shudder*

xoxo

Nicole

photo: dlisted

Jada Has a Ghetto Mullet.

Can we please discuss what's happening with Jada's look right now? The hair is a bad cross between D. Wood's mess and vintage Billy Ray Cyrus.

Jada rocked this impeccable disaster at the Carol's Daughter store in Culver City, CA. She was there with Mary J (who by the way looks amaz, as always) for a meet and greet.

xoxo

Nicole

PHOTO: YBF

I'm So Deeply Disturbed.

I don't hate on ANYONE for their size. Let me make that clear. HOWEVER, what I cannot stand is when big girls dress like they are twenty pounds.

I'm not twenty pounds, I know this. I keep my lovely Sicilian T and A in appropriate clothing sizes at all times. I don't have any delusions of wearing a god damn pair of booty shorts in public. Damn Girl. This video is courtesy of Crunk and Disorderly. So priceless.

xoxo

Nicole

Does Being PG By Petey Wentz Make You Sing Like Shit?

Ashley Simpson had a heinous performance on the Today Show. Just awful.

Howevs, watch her backup singers. Is the one on the left Denosh from Making the Band 3 Season one? That bitch who thought she was the shit? GUESS WHO'S THE SHIT NOW ? I don't see your ass in DK! Ha! Singing backup for a preggo, half-washed up Ashley Simpson. So accomplished.

Enjoy.

xoxo

Nicole

Rumer Is a Wet Rat.

Somebody give this girl a cookie, volumizing foam and a backcomb, stat.

Here's Rumer fugging up the planet with her potato face at some US Weekly shindig. So classy.

xoxo

Nicole

photo: Dlisted

Alien Best Friends.

"Best friendzzzz best friendzzzz are weeeeeee"

So, word on Dlisted is that Mistress Tommy doesn't like the fact that Katie and Posh are friends. Apparently, he blames Posh for Katie's extreme weight loss. She has been following Posh's 900 calorie a day eating plan to keep her weight down to ano-standards. Gross.

I'm pretty sure I eat twice that in a day. At least. No wonder they both look haggard as sin. This photo of Katie makes her look like she belongs on "Designing Women" circa 1990. Posh always looks frightening, so I'm used to it.

Please eat girls, if you die, who will I make fun of? Well, there's always Wonks.

xoxo

Nicole

PHOTO: Dlisted

Rachel, This is Horrible.

This outfit is horrible.


First of all, her tatties are wayyyyy to small and weird looking for this outfit.


Second, the pattern reminds me of a beach sarong or bathing suit.


Third, she is comitting the ultimate sin in my book. She is wearing NYLONS with OPEN TOED SHOES.


ARE YOU KIDDING ME.


This is Rachel at the Food Bank Event in NYC last night.


xoxo
Nicole


Photo: Dlisted

Mariah Still Thinks It's 1995

Didn't I see this outfit on a mannequin at DEB? Or was it that Tiffany Amber Thissen wore this exact same outfit on the Saved By The Bell reunion special?

I'm pretty sure that a woman with her vast amounts of cash can afford a stylist. Hell, I'm sure The Zoe would dress her for half a bottle of Clenbuterol and a pack of Virgina Slims.


xoxo
Nicole

PHOTO: DLISTED

Shanna, Let's Discuss This.

I watched you on Meet The Barkers, and I thought you seemed pretty normal. I admit it.

Rocking this look however, makes me question your sanity. Those eyelashes remind me of my 9th grade English teacher, Ms. Hammel. Bitch was about 75 Years old and wore so much mascara her eyelashes formed into about seven distinct clumps on each eye. That is what this looks like to me.

Please fire your makeup artist.

Don't even get me started on the fact that you are probs banging Jenna Jameson's ex.

xoxo
Nicole

Unfortunate.

No matter what she does, Laura Flynn Boyle cannot get her look right. Sadness.

I'll help you girl, just call.

Also, this should be the only evidence you ever need to make sure you hire a reputable and experienced plastic surgeon.

xoxo

Nicole

This CANNOT Be Her Real Hair.

I just HAD to post this.

Does this hair look real to anyone? It looks like a fug dollar store wig to me. Is exposure to Tommy's radioactive brand of crazy causing her hair to fall out?

Katie, buy some better hair. Tom can afford it.

Or, you could always try eating a meal, I hear that ingesting actual nutrients helps to keep your hair in your scalp.

xoxo

Nicole

What.

In case you can't make it out in this photo, Funbags Anderson has big ass bruises on her arms. She was on Craig Ferguson last night and he was like "wtf is this shit" and she proceeded to explain.... wait for it.... wait.......


that she was attacked by leeches when she was nine years old and her bruises are from that incedent.

Right. and Wino's crackface is really "impetigo".

Here's the truth bitches. I'm from the north. I have had a leech stuck to me after swimming in a lake. it's like nothing at all. It does not cause bruises that last 100 years. Tell no one I admit to that.

So, there is no way in hell her fucked up arm is from that. Thoughts on what it's from?

xoxo

Nicole

GOOOD MORNINGGGG MY PETTTSSS

Did you just vomit? Are you choking on your breakfast/lunch?

I know I said no fatass Perez on here, but in this picture he looks like the horrible fugly lovechild of Pete Wentz and Roseanne. And I love Roseanne.

Ewwww Perez, didn't your mommy teach you that you should only wear white if you are thin?

xoxo

Nicole

Not a Good Look Girls.

You would think that a fabulously gay fashion designer would know how to dress himself and his boyfriend.

Not the case.

Marc and Austin, you don't just need Cirque, you need fashion rehab. Let's get Posh to whoop them into shape for her new reality show.

xoxo
Nicole

Beyonce Needs To Stop.

Trick please. I don't buy her imitation Tyra-esqe angry face. It sure as shit won't make me buy any of that trashy-ass Dereon shit. It's fug. Trust. I saw some at Marshalls.

I'm OVER YOU B. OVER.

xoxo

Nicole

Good God.

Ew. God, she looks terrible. Im sorry, I don't care how thin you are, get a damn tan on your legs before you rock shorts or a skirt. The least she could have done was go to Rite-Aid and get some sunless tanner. Even Britney goes to Rite-Aid. Rumer looks like the drugstore tan sort of gal to me.

Additionally Rumer, you look like a discount Kat Von D. Bleh.

xoxo

Nicole

Girl, Please Eat.

Here's Nicky Hilton, skinny as ever showing up for her own show at LA fashion week.

I'm really over this people. I appreciate natural slimness, and if that's how your body is naturally, more power to you. I may love fashion and celebs, but I do not love unnatural thinness.

Nicky, please eat something. You ARE a naturally thin girl, but this is gross.

xoxo

Nicole

PHOTO: DAILY MAIL