Pamela Anderson Is So Classy And Fresh-Faced.

Here's Pammy looking like the classy version of your favorite local Denny's waitress at a recent event in Las Vegas.

I mean, wow. When I dream of beauty, this is the vision that comes to me.

xoxo
Nicole

Michelle Duggar Pops Out Number 18 Tonight on TLC

Michelle Duggar popped out another one... blah blah blah. *yawn* This ho having a baby is old ass news. Call me when she decides to get her tubes tied, or snip papa Duggar's wenis. Then I'll care.

Tonight on TLC you can see number 18 come marching out to greet his/her fresh-faced family of Arkansas child-lovers.

xoxo
Nicole

Amy Winehouse Actually Exposes Her Flesh To Something Other Than Crack Smoke

I'm sorry if I've just ruined your day.

I know these photos are all over the interwebs, and surprisingly, I'm not really upset that shes topless. I mean, I'm not a fan of her crack nips hanging out, but her HAIR is the truly disturbing thing about this photo.

This is like a cruel joke. The hive that I have idolized for so long is MIA. In it's place, we get this strange mop that reminds me of a small Jewish boy. (PS: I love the Jewish people and their flowing locks. I also regularly practice Jewish guilt.)

I am going to rat my hair into a hive tonight, just to mourn. Someone, get a stylist to her STAT with several packs o' yak and some Elmer's Glue.

xoxo
Nicole

I'm Back. Miss Me?

Miss me? Thought so.

My life has been an abyss of loneliness without you. OK, not really. But I have felt a naggy loneliness, kind of like how I feel with there are no new episodes of SVU on TV for a long time. So, you're about equal with Mariska Hargitay in my mind.

We have so much to catch up on.

1. The Britney Comeback - I TOLD YOU SO. She might still be hopped up on a mix of Clonozopam and Abilify but I see improvement.

2. Barack - HOLLA!

3. The Inevitable Death of Wino - I'm still on death watch for our fave crackie.

4. The Rachel Zoe Project - Clearly, Brad was the star of the season. He's like a classier, less tranny loving version of Christian.

5. The recession - Selling ass on Craigslist looks pretty good right about now.



ANYWAY ,

I missed you dahlings. I hope no one hates me. Please stop back. I love you.

xoxox
Nicole

Going Bye Bye

So, running a real fully functioning blog is just... really too much for me right now. I'm getting frown lines and bags under my eyes. It's not cute. Between the blogs I run for work, and just generally being fabulous, I don't have the time.

Howevs, I remain committed to providing you with snark and sass via my microblog on TUMBLR and TWITTER. It's just easier on those sites.

Here are the addresses for both:

http://nicoleelise.tumblr.com/

http://twitter.com/NicoleElise

I'm not getting rid of New Obsesh quite yet, but we are on indefinite hiatus until I can figure out how to basically do everything all the time.

So please visit me on Tumblr and Twitter, and link my Microblog!

xoxo
Nicole

Why Does DK Always Look SO HARD?!?!

Lawd. Why do these ladies always look so hard in the face. They remind me of 45 year old barflies. Like the kind of women you see trying so HARD shopping in the juniors section at Macy's.

Get over it. You're old.

Also - Auberella, please do us all a favor and keep up with your hair maintenance. If I have to look at your roots one more time...

I will still watch them though. Every week.

xoxo
Nicole

PHOTO: Just Jared.

Alien Baby, Meet Your Future Sister.

"This is what mommy is going to stuff up her shirt for the next nine months until we can purchase you a REAL sister."



Either that, or they could ask George Lucas to build one. We know that bitch is good at building robots. He probs runs the Scientology stepford wife factory.




xoxo
Nicole

Observations On The Return of Mistress Boom Kat

Sheeeeeessss backkkkkkkk!

BOOM... KAT BOOM KAT! Let's work!

So, we are 45 minutes into the first ep of the new season of Making the Band. AKA my reason to live.

Mistress Boom Kat is back in full effect and has so far called everyone either muff, peanut, or some variation.

I can't wait to see what other epic phrases she comes up with.

xoxo
Nicole

Drunk Blogging About Michael Phelps.

I'm trying a new thing. Drinking alone and blogging. Sounds delish and glamorous doesn't it? Not really, but until I can see my gay husbands Tyler and Jordan there really is no one worth wasting my expensive booze on. I am not a cheap drunk. That would be ridiculous.

Currently, I am sipping some MOET and wondering what it would be like to be royal.

God, I would make an excellent princess. Speaking of riches and gorgeousness. Check out sweet Michael Phelps above. God, can I PLEASE have his children. I don't care that he has Gomer Pyle face, I would hit it. He won like his five thousandth gold medal today. Whoopee. Get me a diamond tennis bracelet and I'll be impressed.


xoxo
Nicole

Wino Is No Longer Just A Beautiful Mess...

...she has full-on entered ugly as sin tragedy train wreck stage. Soooooo sad. If anyone can work the Camden Junkie-Chic look it's her, but this is like Sid and Nancy in the Chelsea Hotel covered in their own vomit ugly.

In case you are wondering, the tragic photo above is from her recent performance at The V Festival.

I'm officially on Wino Death Watch.

xoxo
Nicole

Photo: Dlisted.

Alien Baby Is Growing Up So Fast.

Only Zenu's chosen ones would walk down the street looking like an Annie L. photograph.

Alien Baby is growing up so fast and is clearly learning that the quicker she grows up, the quicker she can get the hell out of the horror show that is her life.

Loving the dress on her, loving the whole look. She had better become estranged from them in her thirties and write a tell-all. DO IT SURI, THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW!

xoxo
Nicole

Margaret Cho Is Amazing And Coming To A TV Near You.

God I love this woman. I love everything about her. She goes places in her acts that no one else dares to go, and I admire that so much.

Plus, the bit about her shitting her pants while on an all-fruit diet gets me every time.

The Cho's new show (aptly titled The Cho Show) will be premiering on VH1 August 21st. AKA: I will not pick up the phone if you call me. I'm sorry. Her midget assistant is far more entertaining than you.

xoxo
Nicole

Photo: A Socialites Life

Olympic Fever.

I am in LOVE. Michael Phelps is giving me straight up Olympic fever. Michael, please give a Sicilian girl a chance.



xoxo
Nicole

Is It Wrong That I Would Let Cilian Murphy Do This To Me?

... and that I would LOVE IT?

I was stalking one of my usual Facebook haunts and found this.

Sigh.

xoxo
Nicole

Could Tom and Katie BE More CREEPY?

Zoom in on this bitch. Seriously, I dare you.



Why on God's green earth is Katie looking more and more like a tall twink as the days go by? I am not liking the hair, and I suspect that Queen Tom did that makeup on her.



Tom, wearing Isabella's emo jeans with WHITE K-Swiss in combination with your tight ass shirt and moobs isn't cute. It just makes you look like a gay pedophile.




xoxo
Nicole



Photo: Dlisted.

Olympic Opening Ceremony Oufit Recap

DISCLAIMER. I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT SOME/MOST OF THESE OUTFITS ARE TRADITIONAL DRESS. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE SOME TEASING, DON'T READ ON. IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN.

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So, Where the hell is the Marshall Islands? I respect the nod to island life that is achieved by wearing straw around the neck.

Turkmenistan? Nice puke green outfits. Seriously.

I thought Malawi would have had Madonna holding David Banda as their flag bearer, it would have been more entertaining than their outfits.

Nice unibrow on the Greek guys. wax bitches.

Ecuador...sweet tracksuits. Also, I love that there were clearly some gays in the crowd of athletes.

Eritrea...what?

The Jamaicans looked cute... pretty hair and makeup Mon.

The Israelis were def cute, classic and appropriate. Very Ralph

Omg Gambia - bedsheets?

Sweet taffeta headdresses Benin!

OH SWEET GOD DENMARK. JEAN SHORTS?!?!?!? MAO WOULD NOT APPROVE.

Very Eastern Bloc of you Ukraine. Yellow socks and loafers.

I cannot stop staring at the neckerchiefs on the Bahamians.

The Pakistani athletes look like unhappy office workers.

I fear the Cuban athletes. Very severe grey, never flattering on any skin tones.

Rwanda - sweet zebra sheath. I want to borrow that in a size ten.

CAN THE ASIAN WOMEN PLEASE STOP CHEER LEADING - slow down or you will shimmy the water bottle holster straight off your hip.

Interesting silk skirt black pant combo Indonesia.

LITHUANIA! GRASSHOPPER INFESTATION!!! WHITE CLAM DIGGERS AND BRIGHT GREEN POLOS!

Nicaragua - Didn't know there was a DEB in your homeland. Nice tracksuits.

Canaydia - The fag with the flag is really excited. Did ROOTS go out of business? Not a nice gradient pattern. It's a bad look.

I bet Spain dyed their suits with Saffron.

Liechtenstein - Your flag bearer looks like John Mark Carr. Hide the Children.

BUSH IS SOOOO OVER THIS. HE WANTS TO GO HOME AND HAVE LAURA SPOON FEED HIM MOTTS APPLESAUCE WHILE HE PLAYS WORLD OF WARCRAFT.

Iran is a total sausage fest.

Hungary! What the hell! Are those knockoff Marimeko?

So, is Andora another planet? Are those spacesuits?

I can't take the Finnish dresses. Someone hold me up. Big shot put ladies in print?

The Croatian flag bearer just made an inappropriate tongue motion to the Asian cheer leaders.

DOES LAURA BUSH EVER MAKE A DIFFERENT FACIAL EXPRESSION?!?! *INSERT BLANK STARE*.

AZERBAIJAN- what.

Namibia has white men on the team? How does that happen.

In case you didn't know, the Latvians are all also hospital workers. Hence the outfits.

Great Britain has a fourteen year old child diver. He is just hitting puberty, so don't hate if he pops a boner before the high dive.

The Polish women are going to a ball after this. Just FYI.

OMG KAZAKHSTAN... WHAT IS GOING ON THERE...not right.

Bulgaria has some very tall women.

Syria stole some of Cuba's leftover outfits.

Hmm... We look good. Not terribly flashy, but classic. Designed by Ralph. Like the hats. You can tell who the volleyball girls are... blonde, screaming in the camera like they are on South Padre Spring Break. Definitely smoked a blunt behind the birds nest. Jesus Carmelo, get your braids redone for the damn Olympics.

Ok. I can't watch anymore. I'm exhausted.

Team USA forevs.

xoxo
Nicole

Michelle Obama on the Cover of EBONY

Finally. A potential first lady that doesn't seem to be perpetually doped out on Lorazepam, wear hideous Dress Barn pantsuits, or remind me of Dame Judy Dench.

I love Michelle Obama, and Barack. They are a smart, real, normal, classy couple who are pretty hot and stylish. They get my vote.

TEAM BARACK!

xoxo
Nicole

PHOTO: CRUNK AND DISORDERLY.

Tyra Banks Makes ANTM Look Like A Bad 60's Movie Poster

Wow. Take a good, long look at this. Do you see what I see? Ms. J in the background looking like Beyonce in Austin Powers Goldmember? Shit.

So, this is the new promo shot for America's Next Top Model "cycle" 11. I never liked that. "Cycle" sounds like menstrual cycle. It's season 11. Whatever. I want to know what kind of Hippie delusions Tyra was having when she chose this theme. You know she was thinking "This is going to start a revival! I want to make this season look like a multi-cultural acid trip on Portobello Road!

Notice how the only one not working the theme is Jay Manuel. The only look he has is gay seventies roller disco boy in ass-huggers.

xoxo
Nicole

Hi, My Name Is Solange and I Wear Dollar Store Hair.

View the picture on the far left. Enough said. I think one of my Barbies had this same hairstyle after I put Dep in it and cut it with my mother's herb scissors.

xoxo
Nicole

PHOTO: Crunk and Disorderly.

Making The Band Three Season 3 Trailer: AKA: This Is What I'm Watching If I Ignore Your Calls

Ooooh snap. Danity Kane is back with the tranny weaves and busted eye makeup. I'm popping my kettle corn already.

I thought Diddy had a conversation with them regarding looking like dollar store hood rats? Aubrey must have had too much Aquanet and K-Y in her ears to hear him properly.

I'm ready to see Donnie Klang try to sing his Guido ass off, faux J.T style, and I'm definitely hoping for another appearance by Sevin.

But, the best part of this is... wait for it... wait for it... THE RETURN OF BOOM-KAT HERSELF, LAURIE ANN GIBSON!!! Jesus, hold me up.

xoxo
Nicole